It has been 7 days since I had the trigger shot and 6/7 days since I ovulated (and possibly conceived). This has seriously been one of the longest weeks of my life.
As of this morning, the FRER (first response early result) I took only had the faintest of faint lines, so as of tomorrow, the trigger should officially be out of my system. Now I have to wait a few days and just pray that the line comes back and gets progressively darker.
I never thought I'd see September come without being pregnant. I keep trying to remind myself that when I do get pregnant, it's going to be so much more special...but you know what? That's just a bunch of crap. That statement is only inches above the ole "Just relax and you'll get pregnant. You're trying too hard" Man I hate when people say that! To those of you who may have happened upon my blog...those of you who have never had trouble conceiving...please- don't ever tell someone who IS having trouble conceiving that they need to not try so hard. It makes us want to kick you. Hard.
Day after day I see stories on the television. Stories of people who mistreated the kids that God blessed them with. Stories of teens who wound up pregnant and hid the pregnancy and then terminated the child after birth...or most recently, stories of mothers who were so in love with their sorry excuses for boyfriends that they helped hide the fact that their boyfriend killed their three year old daughter. Seriously. This woman lived just 15 minutes or so away from me. I would've killed him and claimed temporary insanity. And you know what, any jury would understand. I can't help but to question God's judgment on having given these women children in the first place.
Yesterday we threw a 50th anniversary party for my grandparents. It actually turned out beautifully. But while there, I ran into a younger cousin of mine. 22 years old. 4 kids. Age 6 and under. Living with her alcoholic grandfather, not working and on public assistance. Recently separated from her most recent baby's daddy. My heart breaks for her...as I'm sure she is just in search of love...but at the same time I'm sickened.
Tomorrow I have to go in at 7 am for a blood draw to check my progesterone level. I'll have to do the same on Friday. At this point I am so wishy-washy about it. One minute I am certain this is the month and I'm sitting here pregnant and just don't know it yet. The next minute, I feel defeated and like I'm headed for certain disaster. Last night I woke up at 3 am. Had to pee. It's pretty sad when you see something so small as such a big highlight of your evening. Why would I be excited to pee in the middle of the night? Why because it COULD be a symptom of pregnancy of course. Certainly all you non preggos don't pee in the middle of the night? What's that? Oh you do? Darn it.
Sigh. Only four more days and I should know something. I only pray it's the news my heart is yearning for.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
Idiots
Two posts in one day huh?
My day just went from fine to terrible in approximately 10 seconds. This weekend is my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary. For MONTHS my Aunt and I have been planning a surprise party for them. We're talking over 100 people here! The party is this Sunday. Everything was going just fine until approximately 10 minutes ago when my grandmother called me and said "what are you guys planning?" to which I said "what do you mean, why?"
Apparently, SOME IDIOT cousin of mine was STUPID enough to send my grandparents a card apologizing that he wouldn't be able to come to the party!!!! I am so freaking livid I can't see straight. The invitation said "IT'S A SURPRISE" in no less than 3 places. We instructed everyone to contact ME if they couldn't make it.
What makes it even worse is that this cousin is nobody important to me. He is my grandfather's nephew. I wouldn't even know him if I passed him on the street because it's been years since we've seen him. We only invited him because my grandfather doesn't have many relatives alive and kicking, and thought it would be a nice surprise for him to show up. And for HIM to be the one to ruin it??? and only TWO freaking DAYS before the party???
I'm so upset. I was all excited about this party and now I'm just very angry. and teary. The HCG shot that makes me feel pregnant also includes the pleasant side effect of making me cry at the drop of a hat.
What an ass.
Thanks for listening.
My day just went from fine to terrible in approximately 10 seconds. This weekend is my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary. For MONTHS my Aunt and I have been planning a surprise party for them. We're talking over 100 people here! The party is this Sunday. Everything was going just fine until approximately 10 minutes ago when my grandmother called me and said "what are you guys planning?" to which I said "what do you mean, why?"
Apparently, SOME IDIOT cousin of mine was STUPID enough to send my grandparents a card apologizing that he wouldn't be able to come to the party!!!! I am so freaking livid I can't see straight. The invitation said "IT'S A SURPRISE" in no less than 3 places. We instructed everyone to contact ME if they couldn't make it.
What makes it even worse is that this cousin is nobody important to me. He is my grandfather's nephew. I wouldn't even know him if I passed him on the street because it's been years since we've seen him. We only invited him because my grandfather doesn't have many relatives alive and kicking, and thought it would be a nice surprise for him to show up. And for HIM to be the one to ruin it??? and only TWO freaking DAYS before the party???
I'm so upset. I was all excited about this party and now I'm just very angry. and teary. The HCG shot that makes me feel pregnant also includes the pleasant side effect of making me cry at the drop of a hat.
What an ass.
Thanks for listening.
Things You Don't Know About Me
Well, I suppose most of you reading this probably don't know a thing about me...so this is bound to be a very long post now isn't it?
I've been meaning to start a blog for quite some time as things have been interesting (or at least to me they seem interesting) in my life for at least the last four years.
I'll do my best to catch you up.
THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME (the beginning)
1. I am a 29 year old happily married woman with 3 children (ages 12, 9 and 4) from a previous relationship.
2. I live in beautiful Colorado. For those of you who don't live here- stay where you are. I like my space.
3. My husband - who I will refer to as Mr for the purposes of this blog is a wonderful man, who has no children of his own (yet).
4. I love to use parenthesis (in case you haven't already noticed). I also love to use ... so if you're looking for a blog written by someone obsessed with proper punctuation...well....move on.
5. Both myself and Mr are employed in the IT field and make more money than I'm sure either of us actually deserves. For those of you who don't work in the IT field- stay where you are. We won't make as much money if suddenly everyone knows how to do this stuff.
6. I had the most successful divorce one can probably imagine. My ex has my kids half time exactly, my grandmother babysits and we all get along wonderfully.
7. My family and I are inseperable. I have 20+ members of my family within 20 minutes of my house.
8. I am not a girlie girl. I love poker and bowling and sports. I am a huge Denver Broncos fan.
9. I am one of those girls most girls hate at first but if you give me a chance, you'll learn to love me.
10. I am a control freak, hence the title of this blog. I like to have a plan. I am analytical and need to understand everything.
11. I have serious insecurity issues that I am completely aware of (and unable to ignore)
Let's start here
For now, I intend to make this blog primarily about trying to conceive what will be Mr's first child. It is, after all, the thing that rules my thoughts, dreams, and bathroom visits currently anyway.
So I met this wonderful man many years ago...we started dating shortly after my separation from my ex took place. (I know what you're thinking- and no- there was absolutely no interest in anything prior to the separation) We've been inseparable since. He is 34 years old, 6'3", with blonde hair, broad shoulders (with cute little freckles on them) and piercing blue eyes. He treats me wonderfully and is a Godsend to my children. How in the world nobody snatched him up before me...I'll never know.
Anyway, after about six months, we decided to rent out his house, and he moved in with me. We got engaged and were married in the mountains of Colorado in March of 2006.
Prior to our getting married, we discussed having children on a regular basis. It was agreed that we would have my tubes "untied" and have a baby about a year after the wedding. Now let me just say that "untied" is totally an incorrect way to explain what we had done. They were never actually "tied" in the first place. Instead, a section of was cut out of the middle of each one. So really, what I had done was more of having my tubes re-sewn together. It is a highly detailed surgery. One that is not covered by insurance in most cases and is best performed by someone who specializes in tubal reversals. I researched for about 6 months before choosing my Dr, Dr. Zbella in Florida. We made our reservations, forked over about $7000 and flew to Florida for my surgery in April of 2007.
Since then, we've been trying- obviously without success, to get me knocked up. Never in my life would I have thought it was going to take me more than one or two cycles to accomplish this. I have always been the girl who gets pregnant just by thinking about it. I have been poked and prodded like you wouldn't believe.
First, we had an HSG test. For those of you who aren't familiar with these terms, I'll do my best to explain...but please don't ask for the exact words represented by each acronym, as that is something that just...well...doesn't matter. An HSG test is where they inject dye up through your hoo-ha, past your cervix and into your uterus...or in this case my uterus. They put this camera looking thing up over you- and they watch the dye flow into your uterus and out into your tubes. If your tubes are functioninig like a normal- non tube tied person, you will see the dye flow into each tube and out into the abdomen like a river. My left side did exactly that...my right side...was a little more stubborn. I didn't exactly see a river of dye...more like a tiny water pistol spurt. The radiologist still says both tubes are open. There was damage to the right one though, so it's really short (read- kind of pathetic) and not really anything to rely upon when trying to make a baby.
My husband had a semen analysis done prior to getting my tubes fixed, since there wouldn't be any point in having functioning tubes if there weren't any functioning sperm to go with it. He passed his test just fine.
After 6 cycles of trying without success, I decided I wasn't going to waste any more time and I booked myself an appointment with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) at the end of August.
At the first appointment, we discussed my situation and agreed that the goal was to get me to ovulate (i.e. pop an egg) out of the left ovary and have spermies waiting right there prepared to invade (i.e. fertilize) it. At that first visit, we also gave his nurse the go ahead to remove as much blood as they could and test it for everything under the moon. This resulted in the collection of 18 (yes you read that right- EIGHTEEN) vials of blood being removed by way of my right arm. Of course, I performed like a trooper...didn't even get dizzy! They were so proud of me! As I was walking out the door however...the nurse stopped me, apologized and said she had to re-poke me because one of the 18 vials had clotted up all on it's own.
Which brings me to clotting. Turns out, after they tested the blood for everything under the moon, they found that I have a blood clotting disorder called Factor V (Factor five) which makes my blood more likely to clot. Apparently this can affect my ability to conceive, but more concerning, my ability to actually STAY pregnant upon successfully becoming that way. The treatment? Injections in my belly every single day...just as soon as I get pregnant. Hooray! Let me just tell you how terribly excited I am to get pregnant now. Pfft.
So on August 11th (CD2- otherwise known as the second day of my cycle or the second day since AF- otherwise known as Aunt Flo- or my "menstrual cycle" arrived) Got it? Good. Now where was I?
Oh yeah, on CD2, August 11th, they withdrew more blood. This time to check my FSH and E2 levels. They also did an ultrasound and counted my antral (resting) follicles. I had 10 on the right and 8 on the left, which is good. Satisfied that the FSH and E2 results were good (8 and 53 respectively), they started me on 100 mg of the evil little pill. What is the evil little pill you ask? It's Clomiphene Citrate. Clomid for short. We're taking it so that I can up the chances of having an egg released on the left (i.e. good) side. I took Clomid from CD5 to CD9...and then went back into the RE's office for more blood draws. This time, my FSH was 6 and my E2 was over 400...which was great.
I started using OPKs (getting sick of these acronyms yet? OPK- Ovulation Predictor Kit that you pee on to tell you that the releasing of an egg is imminent) on CD12 and finally got a positive the morning of CD14, this past Monday. I called the office and they asked me to come in that afternoon.
First item to address upon entering the RE's office- how many eggs and where? The nurse used the wand of wonder (vaginal ultrasound) and found two eggs...24mm each...one on the right AND one on the left. Great!
Second item was to make sure BOTH eggs released. So...I got to experience the wonderful joy of being poked in the butt with a sharp syringe filled with HCG (human chorionic gonadatropin) which will tell my body to release both eggs. Unfortunately, it's also the exact same hormone that tells my body I'm pregnant, therefore I get to feel pregnant for the next week- even if I'm not...oh and pregnancy tests automatically come up positive too- until it fades out of my system in 8-10 days.
Lastly...the "sample" that Mr left an hour earlier had to be inserted, this is called an IUI (intrauterine insemination), up past my cervix.
The next day, in immense pain from ovulation I got to do the whole thing over again.
So far, everything looks great. Mr's post-wash count (number of spermies remaining after they separate all the grade A ones from the stupid ones that just swim in circles) was 15 million on Monday and 61 million on Tuesday. The ultrasound on Tuesday showed that both eggs had in fact released overnight. My uterine lining was at 10, meaning there was a nice warm pillow of a uterus waiting for a fertilized egg to come along.
So now? I wait. I can POAS (pee on a stick pregnancy test), but for now, it's just to watch the HCG I know is in there fade away. A positive isn't a positive unless it's still there in another week and a half. Everything is in place for it to work this time, but time is just crawling....
You girls that are out there who've been trying much longer than me- oh do I feel for you? It's miserable! I can't imagine having to go through this much longer.
I've been meaning to start a blog for quite some time as things have been interesting (or at least to me they seem interesting) in my life for at least the last four years.
I'll do my best to catch you up.
THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME (the beginning)
1. I am a 29 year old happily married woman with 3 children (ages 12, 9 and 4) from a previous relationship.
2. I live in beautiful Colorado. For those of you who don't live here- stay where you are. I like my space.
3. My husband - who I will refer to as Mr for the purposes of this blog is a wonderful man, who has no children of his own (yet).
4. I love to use parenthesis (in case you haven't already noticed). I also love to use ... so if you're looking for a blog written by someone obsessed with proper punctuation...well....move on.
5. Both myself and Mr are employed in the IT field and make more money than I'm sure either of us actually deserves. For those of you who don't work in the IT field- stay where you are. We won't make as much money if suddenly everyone knows how to do this stuff.
6. I had the most successful divorce one can probably imagine. My ex has my kids half time exactly, my grandmother babysits and we all get along wonderfully.
7. My family and I are inseperable. I have 20+ members of my family within 20 minutes of my house.
8. I am not a girlie girl. I love poker and bowling and sports. I am a huge Denver Broncos fan.
9. I am one of those girls most girls hate at first but if you give me a chance, you'll learn to love me.
10. I am a control freak, hence the title of this blog. I like to have a plan. I am analytical and need to understand everything.
11. I have serious insecurity issues that I am completely aware of (and unable to ignore)
Let's start here
For now, I intend to make this blog primarily about trying to conceive what will be Mr's first child. It is, after all, the thing that rules my thoughts, dreams, and bathroom visits currently anyway.
So I met this wonderful man many years ago...we started dating shortly after my separation from my ex took place. (I know what you're thinking- and no- there was absolutely no interest in anything prior to the separation) We've been inseparable since. He is 34 years old, 6'3", with blonde hair, broad shoulders (with cute little freckles on them) and piercing blue eyes. He treats me wonderfully and is a Godsend to my children. How in the world nobody snatched him up before me...I'll never know.
Anyway, after about six months, we decided to rent out his house, and he moved in with me. We got engaged and were married in the mountains of Colorado in March of 2006.
Prior to our getting married, we discussed having children on a regular basis. It was agreed that we would have my tubes "untied" and have a baby about a year after the wedding. Now let me just say that "untied" is totally an incorrect way to explain what we had done. They were never actually "tied" in the first place. Instead, a section of was cut out of the middle of each one. So really, what I had done was more of having my tubes re-sewn together. It is a highly detailed surgery. One that is not covered by insurance in most cases and is best performed by someone who specializes in tubal reversals. I researched for about 6 months before choosing my Dr, Dr. Zbella in Florida. We made our reservations, forked over about $7000 and flew to Florida for my surgery in April of 2007.
Since then, we've been trying- obviously without success, to get me knocked up. Never in my life would I have thought it was going to take me more than one or two cycles to accomplish this. I have always been the girl who gets pregnant just by thinking about it. I have been poked and prodded like you wouldn't believe.
First, we had an HSG test. For those of you who aren't familiar with these terms, I'll do my best to explain...but please don't ask for the exact words represented by each acronym, as that is something that just...well...doesn't matter. An HSG test is where they inject dye up through your hoo-ha, past your cervix and into your uterus...or in this case my uterus. They put this camera looking thing up over you- and they watch the dye flow into your uterus and out into your tubes. If your tubes are functioninig like a normal- non tube tied person, you will see the dye flow into each tube and out into the abdomen like a river. My left side did exactly that...my right side...was a little more stubborn. I didn't exactly see a river of dye...more like a tiny water pistol spurt. The radiologist still says both tubes are open. There was damage to the right one though, so it's really short (read- kind of pathetic) and not really anything to rely upon when trying to make a baby.
My husband had a semen analysis done prior to getting my tubes fixed, since there wouldn't be any point in having functioning tubes if there weren't any functioning sperm to go with it. He passed his test just fine.
After 6 cycles of trying without success, I decided I wasn't going to waste any more time and I booked myself an appointment with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) at the end of August.
At the first appointment, we discussed my situation and agreed that the goal was to get me to ovulate (i.e. pop an egg) out of the left ovary and have spermies waiting right there prepared to invade (i.e. fertilize) it. At that first visit, we also gave his nurse the go ahead to remove as much blood as they could and test it for everything under the moon. This resulted in the collection of 18 (yes you read that right- EIGHTEEN) vials of blood being removed by way of my right arm. Of course, I performed like a trooper...didn't even get dizzy! They were so proud of me! As I was walking out the door however...the nurse stopped me, apologized and said she had to re-poke me because one of the 18 vials had clotted up all on it's own.
Which brings me to clotting. Turns out, after they tested the blood for everything under the moon, they found that I have a blood clotting disorder called Factor V (Factor five) which makes my blood more likely to clot. Apparently this can affect my ability to conceive, but more concerning, my ability to actually STAY pregnant upon successfully becoming that way. The treatment? Injections in my belly every single day...just as soon as I get pregnant. Hooray! Let me just tell you how terribly excited I am to get pregnant now. Pfft.
So on August 11th (CD2- otherwise known as the second day of my cycle or the second day since AF- otherwise known as Aunt Flo- or my "menstrual cycle" arrived) Got it? Good. Now where was I?
Oh yeah, on CD2, August 11th, they withdrew more blood. This time to check my FSH and E2 levels. They also did an ultrasound and counted my antral (resting) follicles. I had 10 on the right and 8 on the left, which is good. Satisfied that the FSH and E2 results were good (8 and 53 respectively), they started me on 100 mg of the evil little pill. What is the evil little pill you ask? It's Clomiphene Citrate. Clomid for short. We're taking it so that I can up the chances of having an egg released on the left (i.e. good) side. I took Clomid from CD5 to CD9...and then went back into the RE's office for more blood draws. This time, my FSH was 6 and my E2 was over 400...which was great.
I started using OPKs (getting sick of these acronyms yet? OPK- Ovulation Predictor Kit that you pee on to tell you that the releasing of an egg is imminent) on CD12 and finally got a positive the morning of CD14, this past Monday. I called the office and they asked me to come in that afternoon.
First item to address upon entering the RE's office- how many eggs and where? The nurse used the wand of wonder (vaginal ultrasound) and found two eggs...24mm each...one on the right AND one on the left. Great!
Second item was to make sure BOTH eggs released. So...I got to experience the wonderful joy of being poked in the butt with a sharp syringe filled with HCG (human chorionic gonadatropin) which will tell my body to release both eggs. Unfortunately, it's also the exact same hormone that tells my body I'm pregnant, therefore I get to feel pregnant for the next week- even if I'm not...oh and pregnancy tests automatically come up positive too- until it fades out of my system in 8-10 days.
Lastly...the "sample" that Mr left an hour earlier had to be inserted, this is called an IUI (intrauterine insemination), up past my cervix.
The next day, in immense pain from ovulation I got to do the whole thing over again.
So far, everything looks great. Mr's post-wash count (number of spermies remaining after they separate all the grade A ones from the stupid ones that just swim in circles) was 15 million on Monday and 61 million on Tuesday. The ultrasound on Tuesday showed that both eggs had in fact released overnight. My uterine lining was at 10, meaning there was a nice warm pillow of a uterus waiting for a fertilized egg to come along.
So now? I wait. I can POAS (pee on a stick pregnancy test), but for now, it's just to watch the HCG I know is in there fade away. A positive isn't a positive unless it's still there in another week and a half. Everything is in place for it to work this time, but time is just crawling....
You girls that are out there who've been trying much longer than me- oh do I feel for you? It's miserable! I can't imagine having to go through this much longer.
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